trying and failing to love her.

i love you so much

i grow to block the sun

so when you look up

you only see me.

but you are shivering,

so i cover you with my body

but now you are suffocating

you ask me so kindly

you speak to me so gently

you touch me so softly

 

please you say leave me be

i can’t i reply i love you

 

i’m sorry

i don’t understand

i have to

 

i don’t know how to ask what you need

i don’t know how to provide for you

speak to me

love me

hold me

 

 

i have to be near you all the time

i have to try and fix your suffering

i am wiping up a coffee stain with your good linens

i spread the mess farther across the kitchen table

my tears mix with the mocha

you stand up to comfort me, disregarding the puddle of disappointment laid out before you.

sighing as you do so

i am a burden.

i know this.

you know this.

i cannot ask for your forgiveness without asking for your pity

i cannot continue as i am

i cannot stop what i am doing

we are past the point of no return

and yet you still smile your tired smile at me

i love you in a way i cannot communicate

without making myself a fool

i love you so much.