Confessions of a Teen Girl

Flashing Before My Eyes 

“Is your homework done?”

I hear each day at school

Each day I hand in a paper, essay, worksheet, project, test, or quiz to them

The same routine flashing before my eyes

A hand always extended, ready to take it

To pass you or fail you

My friends each day at lunch wondering do we have an A- or a B-

Our Chromebooks always open to a gaming site

But look again and see we have a tab always open to our grades

We go home we do homework till midnight, and then we go to sleep

Yet it’s not really sleep is it?

If sleep is meant to gain energy then why am I thinking till 3am  that I’m going to fail the next paper, essay, worksheet, project, test, or quiz?

The same routine flashing before my eyes

I go to school and smile to my friends, we all have joyful expressions written all over our face

then why can I see a different person in their eyes

Look closely you can see restless nights covered up in concealer and smiles 

We talk like we never notice the same routine happening

but fidgeting hands, darting eyes, and open Chromebooks tell a different story

That something is written in between the lines that we didn’t expect in this way of life

Yet that’s what I signed up for didn’t I?

I decided to exchange my health for good grades

Yet that’s..

That’s not really true is it?

I was told that if I worked hard I will get success

But they never tell you that it asks for more then what you have

Never realizing that I live to work

I don’t work to live

I’m in an endless loop that no matter how hard I try to get out of, I end up back in it

The rewind button always pressed as the clock hits midnight

I’m sorry to the little kid who just wanted to live out their dreams, but got pushed into society expectations.

The same feelings in the routine flashing before my eyes

Ring Ring Ring

“Is your homework done?”

Trade of Age

I may be 15

But as I look into the mirror all I see is a little girl who grew up too fast.

Never realizing that perhaps you can run too fast

That in a blink of an eye childhood could end

I’ve grown too old for:

Stuffed animals askew on my bed

Made up dances to convince parents for a sleepover

Friday movie nights with parents

Bags filled with Halloween candy

Cuts from paper

Nights filled with dreams and innocence 

I’ve exchanged those for:

Mountains of textbooks askew on my bed

Made up excuses to convince parents of not lying

Friday parties with friends

Bags filled with cheap alcohol 

Cuts from blades

Nights filled with tears and hatred 

I blame Time, but I should be the one to blame.

 Never realizing to hold on to simplicity, and blissful ignorance for one more second. 

Just one more second as being a teenage girl just hurts too much.

How this trade of age costed me more than I expected.

It caused me to realize how the world isn’t fair

and how being a teenage girl is not how its pictured in the movies

That you have to trade something of more worth 

To have the symbol of a teen girl

Oh to be 10 again

Memories out the window

I go to school in a car

I go to the store in a car

I go to my friends house in a car

Then why am I afraid?

Why is there always a millisecond before I step into the car

Raced with memories that I push down

Hoping they never emerge

The car never crashed

Therefore it didn’t kill me

But something inside of me died that day

But what day?

When my mother screamed into my face

The text I received when she broke up with me

Or when my father told me his secret

Yet why is it always in the car?

If a car is just a heap of metal then why is it the thing I fear?

Secrets always spill out our mouths as we drive

Eyes always forward, so we never know how they react

Like talking to a wall with a mouth

Tears falling down my face into the wind

As the window rolls down

Screams of anger thrown into the road

Hands gripping the sides to keep your self under control

Every location I go has a piece of myself there

It could be joy, sadness, or anger

But to this day the memory lingers there

A mark on the car that will never go away

Never realizing, that at one point of my life that something can hold on to so many memories

The place I fear most is my pandora box

Always holding on to the memories I fear and cherish

Yet that’s the thing it holds on to what I fear but also what I cherish

But what day?

When I got my acceptance email

My father telling me he’s so proud of me

The songs we sung with all our might

There’s always a flip side to things

Conversation’s and gossip spill out our mouths as we drive

Yes quickly glancing over to see what the other person is thinking

Like talking to a real life person

Songs sung slipping out into the wind

As the window rolls down

Screams of laughter thrown into the road

Hands gripping the sides so you don’t choke onto your laughter

It could be joy, sadness or anger

There will always be things that hurt you

But there will be things that make you feel happy

Something may have died inside of me that day

but not all of me

And with these memories still in me I drive away

To wherever the hell I want to

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